


Akane The Master Poisoner

by OverMaster



Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dark Crack, Gen, I Kinda Like A Real Man and The Bitter End, Look... Just Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 10:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15839121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverMaster/pseuds/OverMaster
Summary: Akane will learn how to cook even if it kills her. Warning: Some strong language.





	Akane The Master Poisoner

**Akane the Master Poisoner.**

* * *

Based on the copyrighted works of Takahashi Rumiko and Kodansha.

* * *

As she grew older, so did everybody else, except Happosai, Cologne and Hinako, apparently. The pointless bickering and the duels to death became more subdued and less passionate gradually, as they slowly drifted, with varying degrees of success, towards maturity. Even the Kunos calmed down somewhat at some point, especially after graduation.

Tendo Akane was no exception. Over time, what once was either thrilling or infuriating became routine, so much even Shampoo had stopped fazing her that much. And Shampoo in turn grew more jaded of it all as well, perhaps finally acknowledging, more or less, she was wasting her time and efforts on a man who simply didn't want her. Ukyo had a harder time letting go, while Kodachi more or less faded into the Nerima background as she found herself another man to obsess over (poor Mendou-san), but after a few years, Akane had become the winner of the Ranma Bowl, as Nabiki liked to put it, by default.

And that was... okay with Akane, she guessed. By now it was obvious she wasn't going to get herself anything better, so... eh. Why not. Sure, Ranma was no less obtuse now and that wasn't likely to ever change, but he at least was marginally less hotheaded of late. To tolerable levels. That was good, right? Akane wanted to tell herself that, and she saw no good reason to think otherwise, even if something still nagged her about it, a vague feeling something was not okay, even as she fell more comfortable into her role as a fiancee.

Nonetheless, step by step they came to accept the engagement as a  _fait accompli_ , even though neither of them knew what did that mean. Their fathers and Nodoka had been overjoyed, naturally, and so had Kasumi and Doctor Tofu. Even Ryouga, who had finally found peace with Akari and actually given his enthusiastic blessing once he had it spelled out to him clearly enough (he had grown more mellow, but otherwise not any wiser, you only could ask for so much from the guy).

Ryouga's acceptance genuinely surprised Akane, who by now had figured out his former feelings towards her (she wanted to believe she had more of a capacity to realize things on her own, naturally). It was a bit annoying, too, she only had figured them out after he was over her, but she still accepted his blessings with one of those polite smiles that were her usual policy nowadays more often than not, taken from observing Kasumi carefully and trying to put herself into the Kasumi mindset.

Of course, that smile hid the fact Akane still hadn't quite forgiven him (or Ranma for that matter) over that whole P-Chan thing, but what could you do about it? Holding grudges was pointless, she wasn't a stubborn teenager anymore, she had to grow up and let go of those things. If even Ryouga and Shampoo could, so couldn't she?

Yet those thoughts never quite stopped bothering her at odd times, whenever she had a moment to herself, and to keep them at bay she devoted herself to the kitchen with the discipline and zeal she had put into martial arts before. Kasumi and Soun were again rejoicing, but Nabiki of all people saw the first signs of something bad in that, and for once seemed to take some measure of concern over her younger sister.

"Are you sure you shouldn't be practicing more? You're going to grow rusty..."

"Oh, martial arts, you mean?" Akane said while stirring the pot, not bothering to look back. "What's the point, Ranma will be inheriting the Dojo, not me."

Nabiki being Nabiki, that was the extent of her involvement, as she just shrugged her shoulders, tossed her hands up and walked away.

Akane, despite all of her efforts, was not improving, however. At first she had thought trading her martial arts effort for that displayed at the kitchen would pay off at last, but even with Kasumi and Nodoka, and eventually even Ukyo after she finally got over it, coaching her, her cooking wasn't improving at all. She couldn't get why, she even had mastered swimming relatively fast after finding some peace within herself, but cooking still resisted her as much as ever. And that remained the sole point where Ranma, otherwise more accepting of her increased feminity, would keep on needling and belittling her.

Mocking her efforts, all of her hard work, all for his sake. No matter how much she tried and failed, she would get back up and try again, and he would just mock the results once more. She knew he didn't mean to offend, not really. She knew he'd stop as soon as she let him know she was feeling hurt. But she couldn't let the mask slip down anymore, and so she just kept on trying and trying, no matter what...

A date was announced for their wedding. It hadn't been Akane's idea, but she had accepted it regardless. She did her best to organize a real wedding, not a fiasco like their first time, and since now everyone was actually helping instead of getting in the way, things actually looked fine. Akane inwardly feared that just meant a bigger disappointment ahead the road, but as the days passed and nothing happened, she stopped worrying about that so much and concentrated on the wedding feast... the sole part of the organization that still resisted her, with claws and teeth.

Everyone had gently tried to pull her away from the kitchen, and even Ranma softened his snark while trying to reason with her. But she wouldn't give up, with a feverish drive to not let this damn thing triumph over her. She would conquer it no matter what, no matter the price, and she would do it before the deadline, too! Eventually, everyone backed away, and Akane smiled to herself, thinking they had finally come to trust her on the subject. She kept on working, even as her experiments all bubbled green or purple and tasted horrible when she tried them, but she was sure she was getting better and better with each attempt.

She was wrong, but delusion was a powerful force.

Not powerful enough, however, to blind her to reality when she overheard Kasumi and Ukyo talking about preparing a full meal course for everyone behind her back, in secret from her. Just so the wedding wouldn't be ruined.

Just so, in Akane's opinion,  **Akane**  wouldn't ruin the wedding, even if those exact words never were uttered.

The old, young Akane would have brashly confronted them on the subject and conflict would have ensued. This Akane only scurried away, just as angry and frustrated but unable to lash out with verbal or physical violence.

She stomped and seethed her way over to her kitchen, and possessed by a manic rage, began cooking twice as fast and energically. But this time the intent was different. She was still going to show them all, but this time...

She would do so by  _ **poisoning the fuck out**_  of all those bastards.

* * *

"Oh my!" Kasumi blinked, angelically surprised. "This... This is delicious, Akane-chan!"

"Why, indeed, it is!" Kodachi could only agree, blinking several times. "My congratulations, Tend- Saotome-san," she finished a bit more quietly. "And you did this all without any help? My congratulations..."

"You know, it's just like in the movies, disaster only can be prevented at the last second," the groom smiled, happily scarfing down as his lovely bride smiled gently. "Thank you so very much, Akane. I... I know how much this meant to you, really."

And then Akane really felt bad about it, but it wasn't like she could do anything now, right? She had just fed them enough poison as to kill them all several times over. They were all beyond saving, it was just a matter of time before they fell one by one, starting with the weakest (that was, Gosunkugi-kun). Ranma was right about something, though, this meant so much to her...

* * *

Nobody died.

Nobody even got sick of the stomach for once.

They all left waving and smiling and cheering for them, and that was when Akane realized the world was, indeed, a hideously horrible and miserable place. The next day came over, and right after dawn, the very first thing Akane did after rising from the nuptial bed (where, admittedly, she had just spent a VERY good time) was rushing over to the phone and eagerly ask if they all were okay.

They all were. And Akane sank into the deepest of depressing abysses, not that a blissfully happy Ranma noticed.

So she made sure of poisoning both of their breakfasts, to put an end to the farce already.

"Wow, Akane-chan!" he smiled, using the honoriffic on her for the first time ever, and smiling oh so sweet and lovingly. "This is even better than last night's food, you literally can taste the love in it..."

Akane, very pale and horrified, nodded stiffly and then served him and herself seconds. Well, they were both strong as bulls, no doubt she only had to increase the dose...

* * *

Ranma and Akane spent the next few decades in the most blessed, prosper marriage anyone could imagine.

He became one of the most respected martial artists in the planet, winning several installements of the Tenkaichi Budokai, the Mahorafest Tournament, and even two Mortal Kombats. His books on the subject (well, the techniques were all of his but Gosunkugi-kun did all the actual writing, Ranma still couldn't redact a text to save his life) and his training videos became best sellers pushing the Saotome-Tendo Dojo into a juggernaut of franchises that Nabiki was all too happy to run for them.

They had five lovable, excellent children, even if Haruna was a bit... loopy in the head and Kazuya ended up marrying his robot maid. They had good friends gained from prior bitter enmity, and life seemed to smile at them at each turn as often as Akane did. They all said she was the angel keeping it all together, with her good humor and her devotion and, naturally, her divine cooking, which had netted her so many prizes and honors.

But Akane was more miserable than ever.

Every day, year after year, week after week, she would try to poison herself and those around her to no results whatsoever. She studied the techniques of the best Masters. She secretly hired mercs to raid the Arkham Asylum files and bring her the notes of Napier and Isley. She had secured copies of the Semiramis files from Chaldea. She copied and improved on their exotic recipes of death, to the best of her lauded capacities, and everything anything would ever tell her was "Wow, Akane! I don't know how, but you just keep topping yourself...!"

Sometimes, Akane would lock herself in her kitchen to cry, all alone.

Until one evening, she just sighed after another good long cry and decided it was time to stop making herself feel bad. Why not to just pamper herself for once? She'd cook something nice and warm, just for herself, she hadn't tried that in a while...

* * *

The funeral was, fittingly enough, during a gray and rainy afternoon, and everyone cried their hearts out, but no one more than the shattered widower and the older daughter, who clung to his husband as Negi held her tight and rubbed her scalp, whispering sweet comforts to her. The younger daughter, Otome-chan, was fairly shaken as well, her Tanukichi holding her hand for support.

Finally, Ukyo rubbed her eyes and softly voiced what everyone had been thinking the whole time. "Why would she do it? She always was so happy...!"

Nabiki sighed and looked away, but said nothing.

* * *

**The End.**

* * *

By the way, no, Shampoo never married Mousse, why would you ever think that?


End file.
